As we continue to search for the answers on what it truly means to be a man, we find that it’s not that simple. Although there will never be a true definition on what it means to be a man, there are certain characteristics about a man that improve his ability to feel confident in himself and reduce his own suffering.
The Answer Is Not Money, Strength or Power.
If you thought this was going to be another one of those articles that shame you into thinking getting jacked, making a billion dollars, and instantly becoming a CEO were the keys to being a man, then you might be in the wrong place. Unless of course you are part of the group of men that does believe these things are what make you a man. In that case you are exactly where you need to be.
The mental skills it takes to become buff, rich, and powerful do involve what I believe it takes to be a better man, but because there are plenty of buff rich CEO’s out there without this skill, these are not inherently the characteristics that elevate a man from a boy. The characteristic I am talking about is one that can be nurtured from childhood, but is often bypassed for the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of discomfort. There are various things that impact our ability to develop this skill early on, but it is never too late to incorporate it into our daily life.The thing that separates the boys from the men is: Accountability.
Accountability Doesn’t Come Naturally
Accountability refers to a sense of responsibility for one's actions and the consequences that result from those actions. So if we take apart the word, accountability is your ability to take into account the role you play in the things that happen in your life. As a boy it is only natural to lack this skill since as children, we are developmentally inclined to be self seeking, impulsive, and limited in our ability to regulate ourselves. In fact even as adults it may take some time to be fully capable of holding oneself accountable due to the fact that the part of the brain that impacts our ability to master this skill does not fully develop in men until the age of 25. Despite this, at some point it becomes your job to take an honest look at where you are in life and start the road to accountability by asking yourself: “What is my role in the things that are making me unhappy with my life and what can I do to change these things?”.
It’s Difficult Because it’s Uncomfortable
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard your parents say this before, but if it was easy then everyone would do it. Let’s talk about the brain for a second and how it may befooling you into thinking that accountability is bad for you. The human brain has been around for a long time, and after many software updates over many years it continues to prioritize one single thing above all else. Survival. In order to simplify things for us, the brain pretty much guides our actions with two simple directions: Feel good, do more, feel bad, do less. If life was that simple in today’s world then following these instructions would make life pretty easy.
The Pain of Shame Can Be Too Much to Handle
The “feel bad, do less” that motivates us today lies in the relationship between social acceptance and shame. Shame is the pain we feel when our acceptance by a person or group is threatened. In other words, it’s when you feel bad for doing something someone in your social group told you not to do. And because the brain registers being part of a social group so closely with survival, it creates a connection for you that says “Don’t do that or you’re going to die”. The brain can be dramatic like that, but for us in the moment this feeling comes up as anxiety and fear that our loved ones will not accept us for who we are.
So in order to return the brain to a state of calm, you are faced with a few options.
1. You can change your behavior and act in accordance to what your social group tells you to do
2. You can prevent shame altogether by lying and making your social group believe you are what they want you to be.
If you take the second route, then over time you begin to learn to avoid the pain of shame by avoiding accountability. This avoidance begins to apply to your life as an adult in how you interact at work, in relationships and with yourself. When you are confronted by your partner for doing something they claimed made them feel uncomfortable, you would rather act defensive, lie, or blame somebody else than to feel the discomfort of shame. When you realize you are not satisfied with your job you would rather convince yourself that your job is good enough than to feel the pain of shame.
Stopping TheCycle of Avoiding Accountability
You learned that accountability and shame were the same thing. You learned that doing things your social group didn’t like, brought shame and discomfort. So you learned to keep yourself safe by avoiding accountability. This cycle has kept you stuck and you find yourself between wanting more for yourself and not wanting to be judged or rejected by those around you. Here’s how you can put an end to that cycle and start moving forward with your life through accountability.
1. Identify what is actually important to you.
The shame that has been keeping you from being accountable comes from being forced to act how somebody else wanted you to act. If you can work on identifying the things that are most important to you than taking ownership will be more motivating as you will beacting in accordance to what you want for yourself.
2. Acknowledge that accountability is an opportunity for growth
If you never acknowledge that your behavior does not reflect what you want for yourself, then you will never be able to change that behavior. Instead of shaming yourself, try asking “what can I learn from what I am currently doing and how can I change it to match what I want for myself.”
3. Learn how Accountability empowers you.
Without accountability life will happen to you and you will always be a victim. Accountability empowers you through choice. If you can accept that you have participated in your own suffering, then nothing is stopping you from participating in your own peace and happiness.
Accountability isn’t easy. It doesn’t come naturally for many people and it can be super uncomfortable. But without it, your ability to be a better man for yourself will be greatly limited and you will always be stuck in a cycle of blaming others and avoiding discomfort. This is a skill that takes time and being kind to yourself to properly develop. Many times it is helpful to address this topic in therapy with a professional who can help you nurture that relationship with yourself. But if that is not in the cards for you right now, then I hope this article is able to set you in the right direction.
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